I’m reading my favorite book series again, as well as listening to the audiobook of another series I read just a few months ago, and watching a TV series that I have seen numerous times in the past. Not at all the same time of course. I know many that do not read books again, that don’t bother watching the same shows over again. For me though, I must if I want to remember the stories. At least not remembering what happens in these stories means I get to experience the story as if it was the first time.
But books and TV and movies are the only things that I forget. I have missed numerous appointments, forgotten playdates and events. I always forget something important when grocery shopping and even detailed lists don’t always help. It is called “Brain Fog.” It is a symptom of two of my conditions, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (a connective tissue disorder) and Sjogren’s Syndrome (an autoimmune disorder). It causes some memory loss, confusion, problems with clarity, and that feeling like what you want to say is right behind a door in your brain and you just can’t get it open. I used to be a good writer. It was easy for me and words just flew out without hesitation. But even just this post has taken two days because the words no longer flow. Sometimes, I have to use a thesaurus to try to figure out the right word I want to use.
It helps when people remind me of past events or facts, things that happened, etc., but it doesn’t always make me remember. My spouse has gotten upset numerous times because I forget things that are important to him. In the morning he will tell me something that he needs to do, or ask me to do something for him, and minutes later, I have completely forgot. When I fail, he will tell me that he told me, and I still can’t remember. It seems that I only have clear memories of things that were very significant, and even then, only few specific details, if any.
I look at photos and even with evidence, I still find it very difficult to remember. Lately, I have really been struggling with it, because I don’t want to forget my life. I have considered writing in a journal every day so that I can look back and read about my life, but I forget to write in it.
I wish I could describe how upsetting and scary it is to forget everything, to be unable to bring my thoughts to words, to not be able to explain to my husband or to my kids why I can’t remember details, conversations, or even what day of the week it is.
Sorry, for rambling on about this, but I needed to get it out.